all my life i’ve been searching for something . . .

If I had a nickel for every time my blog views spiked over 20, well, I’d have roughly 15 cents. I don’t post everyday or even every week, so the reason I check my Site Stats on the daily has nothing to do with any sort of unrealistic viral expectation. The reason I check is to see the wacky terms people plug into internet search engines. It works like this:

Curious about whether or not Odwalla smoothies can be frozen, you (internet crusader) google the following logical question, “can you freeze odwalla.” Lucky ducky, you happen upon my blog post about participating in just such an experimentation. Yaaayyy for you – frozen Odwalla for everyone!! What you don’t know is that WordPress site stats records your search term and reports it to me so that I can see how those who view my blog are finding it amongst all the interwebs’ clutter. Big Brother-ific!!

For those creepers who just choked on their Cheetos, there is no reporting of WHO views my blog or IP addresses or anything like that, so please, continue to lurk about in a troll-like manner. (Really, I mean that, you are at least half my viewing audience.)

Surprisingly, some people who happen upon my blog are actually looking for it. I have seen a few variations of “california vernacular” or “california curls” combined with my name or word press. However, the vast majority of those who come across my blog from an internet search were clearly not intending to find what they did. Below is a summarized version of the search terms that have led people to california vernacular since its conception.

Search intent: Comfy Animal-Themed Footwear

By far the most popular search that leads to my blog, those seeking owl slippers make up the lion share of my accidental readership. Whether it is just plain “owl slippers,” the more specific “ladies owl slippers” and “barn owl slippers,” or even the mysterious “night slipper,” it seems that posting a picture of my bird-inspired footwear has been the wisest of all marketing moves.

like, a lot of people give a hoot.

Search intent: Bring Me The Horizon merchandise

The second most searchable thing I ever wrote about was also a part of the owl slippers post (apparently, I was on some sort of unintentional roll that day). One should never underestimate how many tweens ferociously rack cyberspace looking for hoodies and t-shirts emblazoned with Bring Me The Horizon lyrics. If my blog sold owl slippers and BMTH gear instead of sarcasm and alliteration, I’d be a riotously rich writer.

Search intent: Urine

I wish I was making this up, but if you were to type, say, “dog pee,” “pissing on car,” or “pee anymore” into the ol’ search bar (never you mind WHY someone would be looking up those things), guess where you would end up?? Hopefully, my blog is at least on page 3 of this type of search.

Search intent: Porn

What a disappointment to those who searched for the following: “girls from New England,” “vip girls,” “pool whipping,” and “whipping tube.” I don’t pretend to understand why some of these terms are pornographic, it’s just a feeling I get. Imagine what kinds of searches will find my blog now that I have included this porn-titled section – awesome!

Search intent: WTF

Lastly, here are a few very special search terms that have defied all categorization and reason: “yellow ferrari bananaz license plate,” “kia green cars pie charts,” “dragon eating its tail,” . . . . . and the grand daddy of them all, brace yourselves . . . . “heather gos up to 120f dgree” (authentic typos included). Perhaps that one belongs in the porn category, too??

the wedding post to end all wedding posts.

a.k.a. the wedding post to start AND end all wedding posts

(Because, as it turns out, I have never blogged about my wedding.)

So, you know how on airplanes during the flight attendant’s safety monologue they always emphasize that, if you are traveling with a small child, you are to secure your oxygen mask before securing the child’s?

On our flight back to San Diego from Connecticut, we had a real over-achieving flight attendant.  By over-achieving, I do not mean that she inserted funny jokes or choreographed dance moves into the safety monologue.  No, I mean, that this person takes her job of imparting in-case-of-emergency-information very seriously.  I have no qualms with this, really.  I am generally the first person to say something like, “it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye!” or to shout “no horseplay, tomfoolery, shenanigans, rough-housing, kerfuffles, or hullabaloo!” just to cover all safety bases.  However, this flight attendant, so serious she was about making sure that all the adults accompanied by children fully understood that under no circumstances should they secure their child’s oxygen mask before their own, actually did a lap around the plane, gesturing to each parent and/or guardian and giving them a stern warning.  For those of you who haven’t yet guessed where this is going, the flight attendant’s tour included a stop at our row where she told Nate (all the while holding the prop oxygen mask aloft over her head with the elastic backing expanded), “Make sure you affix your mask before hers.”  Needless to say, my reply of, “We were recently married!” was met with some strange looks.

*Just as a disclaimer on the (very) off chance anyone that I do not know personally is reading this blog: Nate and I are both consenting adults, well above the legal marrying age.  In fact, I am 1.5 years older than Nate in life years, but easily 10 years younger in visible years. (Nate zing!!!)

Anyhoot, it is official (very official – we just received our marriage license by pony express today) – I am a married lady!  With this newly married status comes all of the awkwardness of referring to each other as husband and wife that you would expect.  If someone says, Mrs. C, I turn around in search of Nate’s mom.  In a message to a friend (Hiiiiiiii, Kira!) earlier this week, I actually put the word husband in quotes . . . like Nate is allegedly my husband.  But really it is all kind of cool, and I plan to enjoy this time thoroughly.  Because I figure we have only about a year until people start grilling us about children.

OK, now I said this post would be about the wedding, and I really want this post to be about the wedding.  The problem I am having is trying to make sense out of the crazy jumble that exists in my head.  I know I was happy; I know the day was a sock rockin’ good time . . . but what I don’t know is how to suss the details out of the whirlwindy blurry-ness that is my recollection.  You know what??  Screw a normal blog post with sensical storyline and chronology, and instead, welcome to my brain.  Here are some of my favorite wedding snippets from 11/18/11:

  • Gasping in disbelief over how dry my elbows were 10 minutes before walking down the aisle, and not having any moisturizer.  Being reassured by my ever-patient wedding party that no one would be looking at my elbows.  Deciding to use Burt’s Bees chapstick on them after my brother reminded me that I had once used chapstick on my face in an act of SPF desperation.
  • Cursing the school bus that ended up in front of the ladies’ limo on the way to the venue.
  • Trying desperately not to cry while walking down the aisle with my dad. Failing.
  • Being helped out of my picture taking spot before the ceremony by all the dudes in my bridal party, each one holding a different piece of my dress.
  • Catching Nate’s eye as I turned the corner.
  • Walking in to see how the venue looked all decorated, and freaking out because it looked so good.
  • The Hiding Room
  • Running so unbelievably late from hair and make-up that I had to tell my parents to head to the hotel without me.
  • Hoping against hope that none of my bridal party gals tipped over on the soft, not-level ground during photo time.
  • Trying desperately not to cry while reading my vows. Failing.
  • Changing into my wedding Converse and losing 5 inches of height.
  • Dancing with my Dad who knew all the words to every single song.
  • Turning in dither-y circles in the hotel room while wearing flesh-colored shorts (although not the color of my flesh) and trying to figure out how to do the most basic of tasks.
  • Eating the following: bite of salad, 3 butternut squash ravioli, bite of fish, bite of cupcake, 3 bites of ice cream.  But drinking a bathtub’s worth of water.
  • Forgetting my bouquet as I set out to walk down the aisle.
  • The interesting segue between our metal reception intro and our first dance song. (A7X to Alexi Murdoch if you’re curious.)
  • My mom (looking hot to trot) getting jiggy with our wedding crasher, and then being really mad that no one told her he was a wedding crasher.
  • Not knowing how to thank my brother for the absolutely awesome speech he gave.
  • Standing in complete darkness with Nate in the Troll Hole, trusting our photographer’s vision.
  • Seeing how seamlessly our two sides of the family came together and celebrated.
  • Laughing.
  • Being so unbelievably thankful for my amazing family and wedding party.
  • Taking one quiet moment to look around me. Literally one quiet moment.  But I got it.

There are so many more, so many truly special moments, so many little conversations . . . all together they make up my (scattered) memory of one of the most important days I’ll ever know.  This is big time, folks, the real stuffing of life – totally surreal and every bit as awesome as I had imagined it to be.

Now to shamelessly plug all the people and places that made it happen on the professional end.  Go to their websites, drink their kool-aid, use their services!!

The Angry Chair (or as I like to call it: The Happy Chair . . . I kid, I don’t call it that.)

FACE by Julia (If she can make me look hot, she’ll work wonders with your ugly mugs, too.)

Carrie Draghi Photography (The calm eye of my storm all day. She is so freakishly good at what she does, it honestly scares small children.)

The Barns at Wesleyan Hills (The staff here are unparalleled.  Seriously.  You can email them with some wacky bridezilla question at, like, midnight and get an answer.)

Kim’s Cottage Confections (Ace of Cakes, who??)

Mike Connolly Sound Productions (The ring master of wedding circuses! Infinitely better than an IPOD on shuffle.)

Darlene Rice, JOP (Perfectly in tune with what we wanted for our ceremony, and pulled it off brilliantly!)

Sharon Elizabeth (So blown away by how they brought my vision to life. I think they could turn a dank cellar into a hot wedding venue . . . I mean, if that’s your thing.)

Steph Kexel Jewelry (Made the most beautiful bracelets for the ladies in our wedding party!)

I would have hated to have a wedding without the following Etsy Sellers: Green Doxie Events, Bleu de Toi, dapper dean, Alex Bridal, Route 4 Glassblowing Studio, Baroque and Roll, Lara Lewis, sj engraving, Wedding Crashers, and Timeless Paper.  Yayyy small business and handmade goods!!

Thank you so much to everyone who had a part in our day, and thank you to all our friends and family who shared it with us!! We love you!

photo credit goes to the incomparable J. Granville Chandler